Don't Say a Word

Why is it 2:15 in the morning and I am blogging? because i need to do something. anything. I've never felt more convicted and wretched in my entire life- to the point of nausea and loss of breath. and i need desperately to make sense of it all. to understand fully what I've done to my Lord. and if this does not convict you, there is something truly wrong that you need to get on your knees and pray that the Lord reveals to you the depth of what i have found. and don't get me wrong- i am no where close to understanding this all. it in fact picked me up and slammed me hard on the cold floor of truth and i am still reeling and disoriented from the impact. all i can say is "Father, forgive me, for I know now what I've done".
i feel like the children of Israel. As we all know a very popular phrase in the Old Testament is "and the children of Israel did evil AGAIN in the sight of the Lord." maybe we should change it though.."[Sarah Elisabeth Kufel] did evil AGAIN in the sight of the Lord". I have offered up strange fire to my God. I have made countless excuses and changed the lines of right and wrong in my mind to whatever i wanted it to be at the time. My spiritual backbone dissolved quite a while ago and i have been holding it up with my own two hands so much so that i've tied them down so they cannot worship my Savior. To quote Jesse Lacey of Brand New "I've seen more spine in jellyfish, I've seen more guts in eleven year old kids." I have not stood for what is right but for only what did not cost too much sacrifice out of me to stand for. It was so easy for me to do wrong and then convince myself either a) it wasn't wrong in the first place or b) that the Lord forgave me. Now let me elaborate: I am not saying He did not forgive me, for He is a forgiving God no matter the magnitude or quantity of sin. The problem was not that I cannot accept God's forgiveness but rather that I have taken it for granted. That i have made excuses to Him and treated His forgiveness, and love, and peace as things that i was supposed to receive with no sacrifice on my part.
What kind of relationship is that? To have a relationship is a two-way street, a multitude of give and take. Yet all I do is take, take, and take some more. I do not "change"- i just cover up my sin and change my definitions of right and wrong. And right here, right now, in my hour of conviction I can hear the Lord whispering in my ear: "Oh, that one of you would shut the temple doors, so that you would not light useless fires on my altar! I am not pleased with you, says the LORD Almighty, and I will accept no offering from your hands" (Malachi 1:10 NIV).
I am not going to end this by telling you how I am going to change or what I am going to do from here because I refuse to let any more empty promises come from this mouth. If I truly want change and I truly want to turn my life around, you will see my actions. The good Lord has cut me open and revealed the inner workings of my heart to me- when He does this to you, do not attempt to understand at first and to tell Him that you know already. For once, just fall to your knees and say nothing. Let the full reality of what you have done sink in, down deep to your toes. Let it curdle in your stomach. Let it take your breath away like a punch to the solar plexus. Don't say a word. Just do it. Please.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMG_PVaJoI WATCH THIS.